My Entry for Derek's Competition [the one I didn't win :P]

  Valkyrie groaned, and sat up. "I told you it was a trap," she said.
"No, you said it looked like it was a trap," Skulduggery corrected. "That's completely different."
He helped her up as a door opened behind them and Sadistica Tortura walked through, an unsettling smile on her lips.

  Skulduggery said, "Oh, hello." then looked at Valkyrie. "This is Sadistica Tortura she's Vaurien Scapegrace's aunt and surprisingly more successful at murder than he is."

Sadistica stopped in her tracks, "Don't ever relate me to Vaurien again. I disowned him years ago, back when he was a bartender and not as much of a failure." She glared at Skulduggery, “How did you even know I was related?”

“Wait, his aunt?" Valkyrie interrupted, shocked. Skulduggery’s shoulders lifted slightly in a shrug, "I'm afraid so."

  Sadistica pointed her long-nailed fingers at Valkyrie, "I just said not to relate me to that moron. Do you happen to be deaf?" Valkyrie laughed. She couldn't help it. Vaurien had an aunt?

  "So, like," she said, grinning, "do you two get together for Christmas or something?" Sadistica looked back and forth between her and Skulduggery. "Don't look at me," Skulduggery said, "I’ve never been able to get her to be quiet either. Except for that one time when…” Sadistica closed her eyes for a second, her hands clutching into fists. “Well, never mind,” Skulduggery muttered.

  "No,” she said after a moment, addressing Valkyrie “actually, we don't get together for Christmas, and I think you need to be quiet now or would you rather me cut your tongue out?”

“She’s a torturer for hire,” Skulduggery informed Valkyrie. “By the way, Sadistica, nice trap. When did you get into the business of trapping your adversaries? I thought you just tortured them after they were trapped.”

  “No,” Sadistica growled, “don’t you remember how this goes, Skulduggery? I ask the questions. And then you answer. And then I kill you, even though I said I’d let you live if you answered my questions. Speaking of which, you never told me how you knew. I destroyed all the files relating me to Vaurien a long time ago. How did you do it?”

  He nodded, “I can understand how that would confuse you, but, you see, I’m a detective, and detectives just know things like this. Actually, don’t tell anybody, but there’s a secret detective agency that tells you everyone’s little secrets when you get the job. It’s actually quite useful.”

  Sadistica blinked and Valkyrie spoke, “But how can she be his aunt? She doesn’t look like him or anything.”

  A rattling interrupted Sadistica’s reply and the door behind her burst open, two cleavers coming through. They grabbed her by either arm as she yelled and squirmed, trying futilely to get out of their grip. “Oh by the way,” Skulduggery said, “I should probably tell you I called the Sanctuary before we came in. Fortunately, they had a couple cleavers they could send over.” Sadistica’s eyes widened in fright.

  “Wait a second,” Valkyrie shouted excitedly, “Now I see the resemblance!”